Come, Celebrate with me!

I had my 5th chemo treatment today…

but before that I had my regular three week visit with the Doctor…He gave me the results of my scans from this week and let’s just say the news is good…

Dr. M said that my results looked

PHENOMENAL

and that it is almost unbelievable how quickly and completely the lymph nodes have shrunk…The scan of my chest showed almost normal results…and he feels my neck is about the same…

in light of this great news I am now 1 1/2 months ahead of schedule…it is anticipated that instead of getting three more chemo treatments…I only need ONEmore,with scans to follow…Dr. M says it is unlikely he will order more chemo after the next scans…

we will move forward with four weeks of radiation…I will have to go to radiation everyday Monday thru Friday for four weeks…for those of you that have followed my story from the beginning you know how much I HATE radiation, it is so humiliating…but at least I have almost a month to get mentally prepared…

I am trying to wrap my head around the new time frame…I’m big on knowing what to expect and even a change because of GREAT news throws me a bit…I gotta change my mindset…

As so many have said so correctly on Facebook I have to

Praise God

for this and I believe that the many prayers that were lifted in my name are to be acknowledged…God has plans for my life that I don’t understand and sometimes ignore…I’ve been given a unique view on sickness, endurance and a host of other things through this year…Please pray that I will have the courage to follow…

Chemo was good today…Jared came with me and stayed the whole time…it was nice to have someone to talk to, helped pass the time a bit…and we had not really gotten to just talk in a while so it was really nice to catch up…I think it is important for those close to me to see where I get treatment ect…It helps to give them a context for when I explain something…like today they had a hard time accessing my port…and it kind of hurt…that is not something I can describe with words, and he got to experience first hand how awesome the nurses are…I can try to explain how great they are but the actual experience is so much more powerful…I was also able to show him the radiation room…it has stars in the ceiling complete with comets and the machine looks spaceship like…again not something I can adequately describe with words

Well I have been up for 24hrs (with work and then chemo all day) and am really tired…the kind of tired where you can’t sleep…I have a feeling (hope that)tonight I will sleep like a ROCK!

Gotta go take an anti-nausea pill…so I can eat me some dinner…I’m hungry!

Love you all…thank you so much for your continued support through this process…

Powerful is one word to describe my experience this morning at the hospital…but we will get to that in a moment because another word to describe my experience would be frustratingFirst, I’m unsure why they require you to come in 30 min before your appointment for the soul purpose of waiting in their waiting room, maybe they believe they will be ahead of schedule…

then when you get in the dressing room they don’t have your size of gown (which the nurse tried to call “misfiling” maybe if this wasn’t the first time this has happened…) so now you have waited a half an hour AND you are half naked walking down the hall trying to cover your backside with a robe…

once in the CT scan room, they ask you ALL the same questions they asked yesterday on the phone…

Then they try twice, unsuccessfully, to start an IV (which really hurt by the way) before realizing they can access my port and have someone from oncology come down and stick me there which is way less painful and much more successful…

Once laying down on the CT machine the MALE technician asks you to scoot down toward your feet…Sure sir let me go ahead and get this gown bunched up so much more that maybe my neck will stay covered…yeah, I asked for a blanket before I would move…

needless to say after having worked all night, drinking two of those wonderful bottles of banana flavored barium…staying up for this appointment…waiting for a half hour in the waiting room…and being unnecessarily stuck twice…I was just a little frustrated…perturbed…patientless…

so there is my little story…and I get to do it all again on Thursday (there’s another mystery, why couldn’t they do both of them at the same time…that would be crazy and you know efficient!)

Now on the powerful portion of my story…

About a quarter way of through the scan I started crying…I was laying there in a hospital gown feeling vulnerable…with my arms raised above my head I had flashbacks to when I was first diagnosed, and all the feelings of fear and helplessness I had…I remembered that horrible week of radiation treatments where there were multiple times I had to keep my arms above my head for 45 min at a time topless, while people were drawing on my chest…I remembered how exposed and humiliated I felt…I remembered how sick I was and that this is serious…

When I get chemo in the cancer center I am allowed to keep my regular clothes on…the atmosphere of the cancer center is such that you don’t feel so much like you are in the hospital…I’ve never forgotten I am sick, the effects of chemo don’t let me forget…but I haven’t felt so acutely exposed and out of control since being diagnosed and it was a little bit too much to bear today…

After the scan I cried…I cried as I left the hospital…and I cried on the way home in the car…and you know what it was good…I needed it…

Until Later, Friends!

I’m feeling anxious…It is chemo week which always comes with some kind of anxiety…but this week there is more…

This morning I am getting a CT scan of my chest/abdomen and Thursday morning I am getting another CT scan of my neck…

I think maybe I am nervous about getting the results…it is obvious from the outside that the masses in my neck have shrank considerably but who knows what is going on inside…

Friday morning before chemo I have an appointment with the doctor and am assuming I will get the results of these scans then…

I’m also working this week (Mon-Thurs) and am becoming more discontented by the hour…yesterday, for the first time in a year I looked at the want ads in the paper…there were only like 10 and either I did not qualify or they would be a lateral move…I don’t want to change jobs until I am done with chemo so I guess I have some time to figure out what I can do…I have an idea of what I want to do, but wanting to, and being able to do something are two different things…I can’t get a job that is not available…

I need some motivation!

Cause I got nuthin’