I have been Cranky for DAYS now and I’d like to be April again…I’m pretty sure that 60% of it is caused by being a women…(boys that read this blog skip the next few sentences) I started my period yesterday so I should be expecting better moods ANY time now…That time of the month is not so bad for me…it only lasts 3 days, and I don’t get cramps that are too terribly painful…HOWEVER, my period literally SUCKS THE LIFE out of me…and I am only being a little dramatic…the days before and during I am exhausted and could sleep all day, all day, all day…this of course only works on my weeks off…this week I just have to suck it up…

I don’t like being Cranky…especially because I know I am being Cranky and then I find myself feeling bad AND being Cranky…I am sarcastic, short-tempered, and impatient…mostly I just try to be silent, that eliminates the likelihood of saying something I don’t really mean…I don’t like who I am when I am Cranky…I am usually not Cranky for this many days in a row and I am tired of it…I just took some extra Effexor, I am prescribed 150 a day and only take 100 with the 50 extra for when I am having a time of increased anxiety…I’ve not taken extra in MONTHS so I don’t feel bad…

I’m also still really itchy which is making my crankiness more acute and making my quality of sleep well, not so quality…the medication the doctor gave me for the itchiness is supposed to be taken 3 times a day and I am NOT good at taking medication 3 times a day…so needless to say it is not so much working…

there are only 5 more radiation treatments for me! two more this week, today and Thursday, and three more next week…I am BEYOND ready to be done…you have no idea…and I very much hate having to wake up from a  sound sleep to go be poisoned and then make it back home just in time to ‘relax a bit’ (or let’s face it go back to sleep) before work…I’m just hoping I can finish these five without my throat acting up again…it is still sore but not so much I can’t swallow…

There was an idea I was hoping would happen next week, an idea I need more than can be put into words…it is not going to happen and it is not going to happen because of these damn treatments and I’m angry, I’m angry… disappointed…and since it is nobody's fault…I don’t have anyone to put my anger on…no one to blame…no one to hate…*SIGH*…I want my life back…

I’ve got some pretty amazing news to share…news of things that have happened the last few days…news that should make me uncrankified…but alas…I’m here, typing to get SOMETHING out, and not being successful…

I am tired but it is almost 5 in the morning and I am still up…I tried going to bed earlier…as I laid there frustrated and awake I decided I may as well get up and get some things on my ‘to do’ list done…I’ve gotten some thank you and congratulation cards written, as well as finding a better way to store my Christmas cards (I’ve already got them for next year, they are AMAZING, and were free) so they don’t get messed up…and now I am watching ‘The Mentalist’ on line and typing up this post…I am hoping to get a couple of book reviews up or at least started…

I am still VERY tired…I didn’t take my normal medication to help me sleep because I thought I was tired enough but my body being tired doesn’t close off my mind now does it…

mom and I are doing the Advent reading at church in the morning…she has informed me she wants to do the short parts at the beginning and end, I think that means I get to light the candles while she is reading the scripture part…I hope I can get the lighter on (there always seems to be a problem with those no matter at what church you see an advent reading)…

My throat is getting better…it still hurts to eat, but I am right now eating an apple and it is going down pretty well, so that is good news…I have been so hungry all this week…but I have to tell you that this is a diet that WILL get you results…get some radiation on your chest until it starts to hurt when you swallow and you can’t eat, and the weight just FALLS off…my friend who shall remain nameless said that she cannot ‘VALIDATE’ this form of dieting…and while I agree with her it is not the best way, it does work…I’ve lost at least six pounds this week, not that I can’t stand to lose a little a lot of weight, I just am not so fond of the way it is happening…

all kidding aside, I am glad that my esophagus is healing and not SO much looking forward to resuming treatments on Monday, but I will, because that is what I do…

I’ve also been really tired this week, but I think that is the side-effects of radiation…as well as a side-effect of the medication the doctor gave me for the crazy itching I’ve been having…I’d been taking Benadryl but it makes me really tired, so the doctor gave me a prescription that he said might make me less drowsy but (I think) not so much…and I’m still ITCHY ITCHY ITCHY…

I had two actual doctors appointments this week…

one with my oncologist who said that my blood work is keeping steady…he has finally freed me of steroids for the first time in MONTHS and MONTHS…so that exciting!!!! things are still not normal but he is going to keep a close eye on my blood work and we will go from there…and…

one with an ENT…I have really sensitive hearing, and when things are really loud it sounds like I am hearing through a speaker that is distorted…and sometimes it can hurt…so the oncologist referred me to Dr. E…he said my ears look great, there is no fluid built up anywhere…he is sending me for a hearing test and will discuss the results with me at a later appointment…

today I saw my oncologist so I took in the presents I had assembled…because of some great halmark coupons a few weeks ago I was able to get four of these…I gave them to the nursing staff, the front desk, the doctor, and the radiology staff…

I also gave each section a bag of choc-O-late!
and each individual person received a card

the inside

I included a copy of this note I wrote last night…

This year…

has been difficult…

it has been stressful…

it has been life-changing..

it has been informative…

and it has been lonely…

people can want to help…they can give you money…they can send you a card…but unless they have EXPERIENCED cancer themselves (and I don’t mean through a family member)…they do not have the capacity to understand how hard it is…they can’t understand what it does to you physically and mentally…

you at the Cancer Center are the only ones who I felt really understood this rollercoaster ride I was on…I didn’t pay admission for the cancer amusement park, I didn’t want the tee-shirt from the gift shop, and I sure didn’t want to ride the rides…but I found myself there and found you to help me navigate…

thank you…

for making me feel safe…

for being available for ALL of my questions…

for understanding when I cried…

and for tolerating me when I was angry…

as of today I am in remission…I don’t know what the future will bring…in 5 years I may be considered cured…or in six months I could have a relapse…either way I now know that I am capable to make it through anything…no matter how uncertain…

I choose to be Thankful for;

#1. The ability to go to radiation…I may not like it, and I may not want to go, but I am blessed to have insurance (through the state) and have the ability to go…

#2. The ability to get prescriptions when needed…I was given two prescriptions today, they were unexpected and one was not covered by Medicaid…it ended up only being 11 dollars instead of the normal 3 dollars which I know is WAY less than some people have to pay for their monthly prescriptions…so while I am not happy about having to get those prescriptions today…I am thankful that I had the money in my bank account to pay for them, and I am thankful for the help they will bring…

Dr. R has decided to suspend my radiation treatments until at least Monday, because the pain I have swallowing is getting progressively worse…I just want to cry sometimes when I eat…pain is emotionally draining…

She gave me a liquid pain medication, and a new mouth rinse/gargle to try and help numb it before eating (I am not sure it is going to work though, when I used it my tongue and lips were numb but not the base of my throat…)

She said that the tissue in our esophagus's heal quickly, and if they just kept on with the treatment without a break, the pain would just get worse and worse so we need to stop for a while…

I am kind of disappointed because this may mean that I am not done with treatments before the new year, and I was SO looking forward to starting 2011 treatment free…

radiation has been hard on my throat…I am only halfway done and it feel like there is a rock at the base of my throat and when I try to swallow or eat (even applesauce) it ranges from aching to it downright being painful…I have a prescription mix I’m supposed to gargle and swallow that helps a little, but it has been a little emotionally draining (not really the eating part, just the pain part…)

please pray for me this week, that I can shake ‘it’ off and enjoy this week before Christmas…

Saw Dr. M Thursday…he said my blood work was looking good and decreased my steroids from 10mg to 5mg a day…I am ALMOST free of steroids for the first time in MONTHS! I’m just a little bit exciting about that…I talked to him about the statistics on reoccurrence, and he said there is a 40% chance of the cancer coming back, and with how aggressive mine was that percentage is increased…he also said that if it does come back it is usually within the first two years (even though they closely follow things for 5 years)…I’m glad to know that chances of it coming back…it helps me process things better…the more I know the better I feel…

My first radiation appointment was not as bad as I thought it was going to be…and I have been able to rig the hospital gown so I am not having to lay there ALL exposed and stuff so that has been nice…Monday will be my 5th of 17 treatments and I am already tired of having to go there EVERY single stinking day…next week will be harder because I have to work every night and still get to radiation at 3:30 everyday…I am going to be dragging for sure…

This week I found a plastic container drawer thing and put all my cancer ‘memorabilia’ in it…I’m glad to be able to put it away…I will never, nor do I want to, forget this past year…but it was nice to box things up…when I was getting my blood taken I asked the technician for some of the vials they use to collect the blood, I thought will all the blood they’ve taken it would be nice to keep a few of those in the box as well…luckily the women didn’t think it was too strange an idea…

I’m so achy and tired…maybe I am getting a cold or something because my head kind of feels stuffed up…it is noon, I have only been up for three hours and I am ready for a nap…