Friday November 4th was my one year remission birthday remember this?
We celebrated low-key…
I slept in…
Mom made me a cake…
it was chocolate cake with white icing…which took me back to Friday lunch in high school where the tray consistenced of Pizza, peaches, and chocolate cake with white icing…did anyone else have the same experience?

I had a client session…
We had dinner at Applebee’s…
and a nice night relaxing at home…
2015
will be the year to have a
PAR-TAY…

Until then, I will give thanks for 1 year of being

CANCER FREE

Last year my thoughts on remission were less than comforting…I can’t say that I feel much differently today…every visit to the oncologist brings fear…the fear that my life can change without any notice…

aside from the amazing undeserved grace and peace that God provides daily…the only thing that calms that fear is that I KNOW now I am strong enough to make it through…ever seen this quote?
It is true…
JoyAnne said...I celebrate my husband getting saved after many many years of prayer.

Congrats April!

heather said...Congratulations! I celebrate the beginnings of coming out of the cloud of moodiness & depression that has plagued me for the last year.

Anonymous said...I celebrate making it through the hardest year of my academic career. Happy remission April!!! So happy for you. I can't believe it's been a year, though I'm sure it's felt every bit of it to you. Jana

GothBarbie said...CONGRATS APRIL!!!!!! I am so happy for you! 
I'm glad you're able to remember how very strong you are! What a sweet idea to hold a giveaway to celebrate!

This year I'm able to celebrate becoming a "big sister" mentor! I meet my "little sister" next week - I've been thinking about doing this for a while and I'm so glad I'm finally one meeting away from giving my time and attention to a girl who really needs me!

Mama4Real said...I can't believe it's already been a year! That's so awesome. Congrats!

This year has been all about change for us. So many changes. Buying a house, FINALLY getting out of Dallas (if only 45 minutes away), a new spiritual mindset, but the most important thing for me was turning 30, something I dreaded, which turned out to be a wonderful thing that the Lord used to jump-start MUCH deeper quiet times with Him. I have learned more in the last year than I have in the last 9, at least I think so :)

Topaz said...Congratulations!!! YOU are so super strong and amazing!!

I celebrated getting married this year! :O)

Laurie said...Congratulations! 

I am celebrating 93 year old Grandma's this year (one mine and one B's). We are just so fortunate to have had their influence on our lives. Both are great ladies.

Heidi Zapolski {Mommy Made From Scratch} said...Congratulations, April! So excited it's been a year! I can't wait for the par-tay in 2015!

I'm celebrating the start of my cooking blog that I've been talking about doing for awhile now and finally did.
 
I’ve been approved…
to get my port removed…this will relieve me from having to go every 6 weeks to get it flushed and I won’t have to take Coumadin anymore so that cuts a medication…VERY EXCITING…the less cancer related things in my life the better…

the other week I went in to get my port flushed…I found myself pretty emotional in the days before and after my appointment…having to go to the Cancer Center and sit in the chairs where I received chemo is just too much…I’d be happy to never go back…just writing about it sucks so I’m gonna stop…
share said...((HUGS)) Callme anytime you need an ear! Glad you are able to get your port out!
 
 
365 days ago… I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin’s Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma…

365 days ago… I was scared, unable to comprehend the changes about to happen TO me…

365 days ago… I was thankful for the diagnosis of Non-Hodgkin’s Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma because it meant there was finally a name for what was sucking the life out of me, making it impossible to eat, and almost impossible to breathe…

365 days ago…I was packing for my first EVER hospitalization…

365 days ago…I began a journey that would leave me forever changed…a journey that would tell me a lot about the people in my life…and a journey that would clarify and solidify who I am…

This past year has been hard…I’ve lived the reality of chemotherapy, survived my first time having surgery (one of my bigger fears), and experienced the power of radiation and it’s ability to not only shrink the cancer but scorch the skin, and wreck the taste buds…

I am more patient

I am more compassionate

I am more obedient

and, I am stronger than I could have ever imagined…

I am ALIVE

as my body continues to heal, so does my heart and mind…everyday I remind myself that I can make it, I remind myself that I can do it (whatever it is) because I’ve already made it and I’ve already it done it…

I am not, never was, and cannot allow myself to be defined by having had cancer…

what I can allow myself to do is to live…to live forgiven, to live loved, to live confident, and live life sensitive to those who may need to hear my story…

not to bring attention to me but to bring attention to the one who allowed me to survive, the one who made me strong enough to fight, not only cancer but a whole host of things throughout my life…

I got through none of those things on my own. God lead me through, he did not lead me under so that I was safe from battle, and he did not lead me over in order to watch, but he lead me through…to experience battle, to get wounded and be scarred…coming out the other side cracked but not broken…

and for that I choose to be grateful
 
Friday I woke up crazy early 5:30 and decided to get all my errands done before lunch so I could come home and take a nap…the first order of business was getting the dogs nails clipped, I have tried doing it myself and am horrible, it was SO worth the five dollars! Little Bit did not yelp once…my next stop was the cancer center to get some photos of the nurses and staff for my scrapbook…I realized I had almost none and it wouldn’t be a cancer scrapbook without them!
they were such a support to me, I can’t even put it into words…

then I went to return a few things to Wal-Mart, went to staples, Walgreen’s to pick up pictures, ben franklin (kind of a craft store, for some scrapbooking adhesive squares) met mom for lunch at a Noble Romans, got some dog food, and came home for a long nap…I’d call it a pretty good day

all this week the area where I received radiation has been red, itchy and rash-like (a lot of little bumps that kind of blend in with the redness…and when I scratch it feels so raw and kinda hurts…I am not sure there is anything I can do about it, and I sure don’t know what could have caused it…when I was in one of the antique stores I heard the owner talking to someone about her husband who had radiation last May…I asked her a few questions and she said that her husbands skin is still very sensitive, he does not shave anymore because it hurts…also she makes him turtle neck things to wear in the summer so the sun doesn’t get to the skin…these are things I did not think about…I guess when the sun decides to again be a regular contributor to our days I will have to be careful…

also this week I have had the pleasure of back and right hip pain…coupled with how lethargic I’ve felt I should not have been surprised to have started my period today…it has only been 20 days since my last one so it seems I am still really off schedule…I would much rather them be farther apart and irregular than closer together and irregular…it is like I don’t get much time to recover before starting symptoms again…I did a little google search and found nothing about getting your period more frequently after chemotherapy but it did say that the sooner it comes back post-chemo the better the chances that your fertility was not affected…so, I should take that as some good news…NOW I just need to find a boy, get married, and use the womb that may have been spared…
 
since I wasn’t going anywhere I just towel dried my hair without running a comb through it…hours later when I looked in the mirror I was greeted with a huge mohawk and some CRAZY hair…
I can’t seem to catch thewonderfulness that is the mohawk when I take a picture…but you can get a little idea here…
 
First off can I just say that tonight at work was MUCH better than last night…only two more hours until I am off…until 11 a.m., that is, when I have to come back for a training (which I hope won’t last too long)…

My oncologist appointment is at 9:30, if you have read my blog for long you know that I like to prepare for the worst so I can be happy with the best…and I can’t get it out of my head that the cancer is back, I weighed myself yesterday and I have lost over a pound in the last couple of weeks…I know that is nothing but I have been eating like a pig all week, I have indulged my every craving (for chocolate, fast food, soda) because I was on my period and cranky…weight loss is a symptom so my brain automatically went to the lymphoma being back…mom said that maybe I am still not eating as much as I used to even though I feel like I pigged out this week…and maybe she is right…but I can not tell you how many times I have googled the symptoms of Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma…

I just need this appointment to be over with…I need to hear straight from the doctors mouth whatever the results are so I can move on…I had no idea I would be so anxious about it…next time we are NOT waiting so long between the CT scan and the follow-up appointment…

On to the next section of the Sermon on the Mount…I can’t think of this passage without the Audio Adrenaline song ‘Don’t Censor Me’ popping into my head…(oh, so sad I can’t find a clip on YouTube…anyway, it is a great song)…

“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.

You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.”  -Matthew 5:13-16

Sometimes I think I am too salty…Whether it is in my head or slips out of my mouth my personality can be a bit strong…I have definite beliefs and a simple way of looking at things…

I am sure that is not what this passage is talking about it is just the first thoughts I had…

Second I think being a light of the world is tough AND a lot to ask of us…you have to be careful you aren’t on too bright or that you aren’t too dim…you have to be a light that draws people into what you are trying to illuminate…I know that this is something I struggle with…I am in a never ending battle of trying to be nice to stupid customer service people…it is just so hard for me to tolerate incompetence and I come off as a jerk…that is something that Jesus and I have been diligently working on and I am getting much better…

I am sure that my witness has been ruined a lot by my impatience/frustration, or poor judgment…I guess that takes us back to the beatitudes…if we have those down I think that we would naturally be just as salty as God would want us to be and our light would be just enough to illuminate what He is trying to say…

as I go through this journey of reconnecting with my Father my hope is that my light become calibrated/in sync with His…that my light is His light and that I use that light to first nurture myself so that I can go and nurture others…
Mama4Real said...Praying that your appointment goes well, and you get the news you want to hear!!!!

JoyAnne said...April, I think you would get a lot out of The Walk to Emmaus. It is a weekend retreat and oh my goodness, the love of God shines through. Do an internet search on it. Its sponsored by the Methodist church.
 
Thursday night at work I was determined to shut off Netflix, and spend the last hour reading the Sermon on the Mount and attempting to pray…

you see, I’ve been lost spiritually for a while…maybe stuck would be the more accurate descriptive…being lost would imply that I have been searching for something I can’t seem to find, or going the wrong way…

I still listen to 99% Christian music when I am in the car…I still have the morals and convictions that I have ago branded onto my heart…and I could still hear Jesus calling to me…in the morning when I would wake up, or right before something impatient or hurtful would fly out my mouth…I could still hear him when I was quick to judge and contemplating the consequences of being spiteful…

maybe the last year has hardened me a bit…never knowing what life changes a doctors appointment could bring, or how debilitating this chemo treatment will be, made it hard to feel safe…a lot of hurt physically and relationally happened…I am still recovering physically, I feel stronger, I have more endurance, and my hair is getting fuller by the day…relationally I am still really guarded, the hurts from this past year will heal as naturally as hair grow…and actually acknowledging those hurts will be the first step…forgiveness will be hard, and understanding will be even harder…but before I can even think about forgiveness, the first relationship that needs mending is the one with my Father…

I am reading a book right now about a man who leaves his pastorate in a large (mega church) to go on a pilgrimage of sorts…he goes to Italy to visit his uncle who is a Franciscan monk, and along the way discovers and rediscovers powerful truths…

“The word pilgrimage comes from the Latin word peregrinus, which means a person wandering the earth in exile, someone in search of a spiritual homeland.” –Kenny (the monk in the book Chasing Francis)

I am in need of pilgrimage…I even have a place in Portugal I can and hope to one day go…But, right now my journey has led me here, my story is being written and I can chose to either be a participant in that story or I can chose to read it later when there is no chance of revision…

I have (without really noticing) taken an extremely passive role in my life…letting it just happen to me…maybe I thought it was the safest…like a rolly polly bug that curls into it it’s shell having no idea it’s destination once the rolling has stopped…

Last night, I decided that my pilgrimage would begin with daily quiet time focusing on one section of the Sermon on the Mount daily…I found the two chapters (five and six) in the book of Matthew almost childlike in their simplicity…there are 18 ‘sections’ in my NIV bible…that is 18 chances to rediscover my first Love…

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Come journey with me the next 18 days as I examine powerful truths…some will be harder to swallow than others…and there will be days when the message is so simple there won’t be much to add…but I think it could be exactly what the doctor has ordered for my life…what about yours?

Until Later…

P.S. I am more anxious about my doctors appointment Monday morning than I care to admit…I’m not sure I will be able to breathe normally until I hear from his lips that the CT scan was clean…

 
I went to see my normal Doctor yesterday afternoon, he wanted to see me after I was done with chemo, to discuss weight loss options and to manage my non-cancer medication…I have to tell you that I love him, he came in the room sat down and made me feel really comfortable, non rushed, and talked to me in a casual way (even admitting that he goes on Prozac every winter because of the weather ect, that kind of realness will always win me over)…This was only my second time seeing him but I felt like he was competent and his presence made me confident in what he recommends…all along he has been getting my blood work and test results and somehow knew I was having itching issues…he seems like a guy who will admit he doesn’t know something but will find out…I’ve been told by more than one person that he really cares about his patient’s care and I’m lucky to have him as my doctor…oh, yeah he also said that my itching could be because of the problems I’m having with my red blood cells…something about them bursting and coming to the surface (that could totally NOT be what he said) but I am glad to know that I’m not CRAZY when lotion doesn’t work…

Also yesterday I had my follow up CT scan…my visit with the oncologist to get the results is not for almost two weeks and I am not sure I can wait that long to find out the results…I am sure if they were bad they would call me in sooner? (maybe)…

 
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Don’t Waste the Pain
written by: David Lyons and Linda Lyons Richardson

I had the privilege to read and review this book…I think self-help and books that talk about someone’s suffering and pain can only be one of three things…

#1. painful to read…

#2. clichéd and cheesy…

or

#3. well written, relevant, and inspiring…

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This book absolutely lands under #3…both authors are very acquainted to pain…David, just recently lost his son to a very aggressive hard to treat cancer and his sister Linda, has been living with cancer for 9 years…their perspective, encouragement, and through this book was invaluable to me…

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I was reading this book shortly after I was done with chemotherapy treatments and was having some issues with my blood…I was discouraged that things just kept dragging on, and I carted this book with me to work and doctors appointments soaking in all I could…

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Had I read this before getting cancer and going through the last year I am not sure ‘Don’t Waste the Pain’ would have had the same effect on me…I am not sure I would have totally believed all they were saying…but it is all true, and put into a biblical perspective...showing you how Jesus is with you every step, even when you are tired and scared…it is a cheerleader helping you to the finish line…

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This would be an amazing book to give to someone who has just been diagnosed with cancer, or is struggling with some other kind of pain…I know I would have loved to receive it…

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You can not read this book and leave uninspired…I WILLbe reading it again, and sharing it with those that God places on my heart…

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from NavPress Publishers as part of their Blogger Review Program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commision's 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."