I have been really anxious and overwhelmed this week and today it has culminated in my being really emotional, impatient and in a horribly bad mood.

It is chemo week (this Friday) and the anticipation is not good…I know that I am just making it worse thinking about it but I’m not thinking about it on purpose…I promise

I’m having issues with my PICC line….there is trouble with the dressing because the tape is making my skin raw and causing it to break out so I can’t tape up the floppy ends. I went in Monday to have it changed there was an infection around the insertion site, so I am now on an antibiotic…then today after getting of the shower (where the dressing did not get wet) it was really humid and I noticed that the bottom of the dressing was unstuck, so I have taped it closed but I guess I will have to go in tomorrow to get it changed AGAIN…I hope I’m not the only person that has this much hassle with their line. It is really stressful…I will just die if something happens and they have to take it out and put another one in…I just want to know when the surgery to put the port in will be…I need an ending!

I’m having some relationship issues with someone.

My temperature is between 98.2 (regular) and 99.5 which I would normally not be concerned about, but the nurse earlier this week seemed very interested about when I had a 99 fever and how long I had the fever ect…so I’m worried about that…if they tell me I can’t get my chemo because I am sick it is going to screw up the whole schedule I I have worked out in my head and with work…which is making me anxious…

I haven’t wanted to eat much this week because my stomach is sour, my chest has felt kind of heavy (I don’t know if it is because I am getting something or maybe the lymph nodes are swelling again) and I’ve been really tired…now the question is do I have those issues because I am stressed and worried or because I am actually sick? That I don’t know…

What I do know, is that all I want to do is curl up in bed and stay there…I want to be held…I want to be held and have someone stroke my nonexistent hair…I want to be held and have someone stroke my nonexistent hair while I cry…

I haven’t been this anxious is a LONG time, and I have not missed it, the tight jaw, the racing thoughts, the intense emotions…those of you who have known me for a long time know the long, hard, and sometimes messy, battle I have had with depression and anxiety…a battle that is for the most part won with good medicine management…but I think everything is just too much…

On a more positive note, I got a call from Medicaid today and the man who called said that they have the records from all the doctors they have requested information from and that they were sending a request for records from one more doctor today…the doctor they still need from is one I’ve only seen once so it should not be too much trouble for them to get that in quickly…he told me to call in and check on the status so I guess once they get that information we should be really close to a determination…woo hoo!
Letters Mingle Souls said...Hugs.... Everything will be okay. Just think positive. I'm sure that Friday will go smoothly for you. There will be periods of time where you can't help but be overwhelmed, but that will pass, too. I think it's only natural to feel anxious with what you are going through. I wish I could be more comfort to you. I"m having a hard time finding the right words today. Just know that I think of you often and want you to feel better. 

I wrote a letter to you this morning. It's going in today's mail. It should be there Saturday, I hope. 

Stay Strong! 

4smartmonkeys said...Hugs sweetie! I'm not sure what to say other than stay positive and we all have down days. Keep smiling and I hope Friday goes easier for you.


May 13, 2010 at 12:30 PM  Anonymous said...You know, you really should write a book about all this. You have such a way with words. I read your posts and smile with you when you are smiling, and cry with you when you are crying. Today will be tough, I feel sure, but you are one tougher cookie. My thoughts and prayers are with you especially today. 
Dianna Smith

May 14, 2010 at 8:07 AM  Kristen said...i'm sorry to read about your struggles. sigh life just isn't easy or what any of us ever thought it would be. you are in my thoughts today.


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