I went to see my normal Doctor yesterday afternoon, he wanted to see me after I was done with chemo, to discuss weight loss options and to manage my non-cancer medication…I have to tell you that I love him, he came in the room sat down and made me feel really comfortable, non rushed, and talked to me in a casual way (even admitting that he goes on Prozac every winter because of the weather ect, that kind of realness will always win me over)…This was only my second time seeing him but I felt like he was competent and his presence made me confident in what he recommends…all along he has been getting my blood work and test results and somehow knew I was having itching issues…he seems like a guy who will admit he doesn’t know something but will find out…I’ve been told by more than one person that he really cares about his patient’s care and I’m lucky to have him as my doctor…oh, yeah he also said that my itching could be because of the problems I’m having with my red blood cells…something about them bursting and coming to the surface (that could totally NOT be what he said) but I am glad to know that I’m not CRAZY when lotion doesn’t work…

Also yesterday I had my follow up CT scan…my visit with the oncologist to get the results is not for almost two weeks and I am not sure I can wait that long to find out the results…I am sure if they were bad they would call me in sooner? (maybe)…

 
 
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Don’t Waste the Pain
written by: David Lyons and Linda Lyons Richardson

I had the privilege to read and review this book…I think self-help and books that talk about someone’s suffering and pain can only be one of three things…

#1. painful to read…

#2. clichéd and cheesy…

or

#3. well written, relevant, and inspiring…

*

This book absolutely lands under #3…both authors are very acquainted to pain…David, just recently lost his son to a very aggressive hard to treat cancer and his sister Linda, has been living with cancer for 9 years…their perspective, encouragement, and through this book was invaluable to me…

*

I was reading this book shortly after I was done with chemotherapy treatments and was having some issues with my blood…I was discouraged that things just kept dragging on, and I carted this book with me to work and doctors appointments soaking in all I could…

*

Had I read this before getting cancer and going through the last year I am not sure ‘Don’t Waste the Pain’ would have had the same effect on me…I am not sure I would have totally believed all they were saying…but it is all true, and put into a biblical perspective...showing you how Jesus is with you every step, even when you are tired and scared…it is a cheerleader helping you to the finish line…

*

This would be an amazing book to give to someone who has just been diagnosed with cancer, or is struggling with some other kind of pain…I know I would have loved to receive it…

*

You can not read this book and leave uninspired…I WILLbe reading it again, and sharing it with those that God places on my heart…

*



Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from NavPress Publishers as part of their Blogger Review Program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commision's 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."

 
 
I am still itching like crazy…it is all over, almost all day everyday and is slowly driving me insane…I have just had to cut my nails down as far as possible for the second time because I am making sores I’m scratching so much…

the doctor had given me a prescription to help the itching and it didn’t really do much…I spent an hour this morning googling itching as a symptom of Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma (it is most commonly associated with Hodgkin’s disease, but is a B symptom of NHL)…let’s just say that I will not be convinced the cancer is not back until I get my CT scan on the 26th (with results at a doctors appointment the following week)…

I’m trying really hard not to be paranoid…not to think the worst…and not to read into anything…but this itching is not being caused by anything…I don’t have a rash, I am not allergic to anything, and nothing in my life has changed to cause it…I had intense itching about a year before I was diagnosed and we never really figured out why…I now know it was probably an early symptom of the Lymphoma so it is hard not to go ‘there’…

If I do relapse it is statistically going to happen in the first 2 years…70% of people with NHL survive and 50% of people who have a relapse survive…from what I read this morning chemo the second time around is a lot more intense…I’m just getting all the bad out there so it is out of my head…I think this is one of the harder parts of remission…I’m not sure there are many people who can really understand the fear I live with, sometimes I just shut-down (I think I did that a bit this week)…I just don’t feel like it is something I can talk to anyone about….

I am trying my best not to let this affect me but the fear of relapse coupled with the emotional exhaustion of itching 24/7 is wearing me down…

Here is my decision on work tomorrow…I am not going to the training…I will not let them demand that I work 21hrs in a 24hr period it is not right…we will just have to figure something else out…maybe I can go to the Connersville office for the training at a later night, I go to visit a friend in Indianapolis the night before and stay a day or two to hang out…a great excuse to go see a friend and I don’t have to end up working until I am incoherent…I have also felt like I am going to throw up when I do more than walk from room to room and would rather not it get worse with pushing myself to exhaustion…so there’s that…we will see what happens eh? (I’ve always, secretly, wanted to be Canadian, my birthday is on Canada day…I think it is destiny…I would settle on marrying a man with a Canadian accent that said eh and could introduce me to a Mounty…I’m just sayn’)…

O.K. going to lay back down on the couch and snuggle with the dog now…can I add that being this itchy all the time makes one VERY grumpy…I just wanna scream!!!!!

 
 
awhile ago I shared my thoughts on remission, sitting here with my neck red and hurting, I think it is time to share my thoughts on radiation treatments…

as the doctor said this afternoon, when I told him to be careful of my neck when he was examining me… “it isn’t a trip to Cancun is it?”…yep doc, you said it…you may leave sunburned but there is no ocean to swim…

Let me elaborate…

on Monday I was discharged from radiation, everyone was excited except me, I was so tired of going and had emotionally detached 3 sessions ago…

the thing about radiation treatments are that the side-effects come slowly…they sneak up on you like a super secret ninja…about a week after starting my throat hurt so badly when I swallowed that I could not eat and lost 8lbs a couple of weeks ago and about 3lbs this week..we stopped treatment while my throat healed and then the skin around my neck started getting red…it got progressively worse until we are where we are now…my neck red, dry, scaly, and sensitive…have you ever had to scratch a sun burn? No? well let me tell you it hurts…the only treatment is to several times a day slather my neck with either a Vaseline type cream, or silvadene…

oh and don’t forget the fatigue…that is the sneakiest ninja of all…you can be sitting down and feeling fine until you get up to actually do something and BAM! forgetaboutit…you are stuck…

last week we went to the mall, got a GREAT deal on Bath and Body Works soap (I love how they smell) 75% off baby! we stocked up since the nearest B&BW store is an hour away...if you have ever been to the Evansville mall you know that Bath and Body Works store is at the very front of the mall…after that store I was exhausted…I couldn’t carry my purse or the shopping bag…I felt so helpless and frustrated…I just wanted one regular day out where I didn’t feel sick…I guess that day will come later, huh?

I don’t have any profound thoughts on radiation other than… while the side-effects are lesser than chemo, it gets you in other ways…having to go EVERY day for treatment, can be a little emotionally draining…

this afternoon I asked the doctor when I could expect to stop thinking that everything that happens is a symptom of cancer…he said that if I was like him, I would never stop thinking that a change in anything physically could be a symptom…then he said something that helped me relax…Dr. M said that they have me under such a magnifying glass that they would most likely know something before I did…and so I relaxed for the first time since being told I was in remission…

I scheduled a few more blood works in the next month along with a CT scan and another doctors appointment…I’m anxious to get the CT scan, I am convinced that the cancer is in me growing and that I am going to be told I have to start chemo again…I need to be told different…I need to know that my CT scan is clean…the last scan was in October…