Friday I woke up crazy early 5:30 and decided to get all my errands done before lunch so I could come home and take a nap…the first order of business was getting the dogs nails clipped, I have tried doing it myself and am horrible, it was SO worth the five dollars! Little Bit did not yelp once…my next stop was the cancer center to get some photos of the nurses and staff for my scrapbook…I realized I had almost none and it wouldn’t be a cancer scrapbook without them!

they were such a support to me, I can’t even put it into words…

then I went to return a few things to Wal-Mart, went to staples, Walgreen’s to pick up pictures, ben franklin (kind of a craft store, for some scrapbooking adhesive squares) met mom for lunch at a Noble Romans, got some dog food, and came home for a long nap…I’d call it a pretty good day

all this week the area where I received radiation has been red, itchy and rash-like (a lot of little bumps that kind of blend in with the redness…and when I scratch it feels so raw and kinda hurts…I am not sure there is anything I can do about it, and I sure don’t know what could have caused it…when I was in one of the antique stores I heard the owner talking to someone about her husband who had radiation last May…I asked her a few questions and she said that her husbands skin is still very sensitive, he does not shave anymore because it hurts…also she makes him turtle neck things to wear in the summer so the sun doesn’t get to the skin…these are things I did not think about…I guess when the sun decides to again be a regular contributor to our days I will have to be careful…

also this week I have had the pleasure of back and right hip pain…coupled with how lethargic I’ve felt I should not have been surprised to have started my period today…it has only been 20 days since my last one so it seems I am still really off schedule…I would much rather them be farther apart and irregular than closer together and irregular…it is like I don’t get much time to recover before starting symptoms again…I did a little google search and found nothing about getting your period more frequently after chemotherapy but it did say that the sooner it comes back post-chemo the better the chances that your fertility was not affected…so, I should take that as some good news…NOW I just need to find a boy, get married, and use the womb that may have been spared…

First off can I just say that tonight at work was MUCH better than last night…only two more hours until I am off…until 11 a.m., that is, when I have to come back for a training (which I hope won’t last too long)…

My oncologist appointment is at 9:30, if you have read my blog for long you know that I like to prepare for the worst so I can be happy with the best…and I can’t get it out of my head that the cancer is back, I weighed myself yesterday and I have lost over a pound in the last couple of weeks…I know that is nothing but I have been eating like a pig all week, I have indulged my every craving (for chocolate, fast food, soda) because I was on my period and cranky…weight loss is a symptom so my brain automatically went to the lymphoma being back…mom said that maybe I am still not eating as much as I used to even though I feel like I pigged out this week…and maybe she is right…but I can not tell you how many times I have googled the symptoms of Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma…

I just need this appointment to be over with…I need to hear straight from the doctors mouth whatever the results are so I can move on…I had no idea I would be so anxious about it…next time we are NOT waiting so long between the CT scan and the follow-up appointment…

On to the next section of the Sermon on the Mount…I can’t think of this passage without the Audio Adrenaline song ‘Don’t Censor Me’ popping into my head…(oh, so sad I can’t find a clip on YouTube…anyway, it is a great song)…

“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.

You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.”  -Matthew 5:13-16

Sometimes I think I am too salty…Whether it is in my head or slips out of my mouth my personality can be a bit strong…I have definite beliefs and a simple way of looking at things…

I am sure that is not what this passage is talking about it is just the first thoughts I had…

Second I think being a light of the world is tough AND a lot to ask of us…you have to be careful you aren’t on too bright or that you aren’t too dim…you have to be a light that draws people into what you are trying to illuminate…I know that this is something I struggle with…I am in a never ending battle of trying to be nice to stupid customer service people…it is just so hard for me to tolerate incompetence and I come off as a jerk…that is something that Jesus and I have been diligently working on and I am getting much better…

I am sure that my witness has been ruined a lot by my impatience/frustration, or poor judgment…I guess that takes us back to the beatitudes…if we have those down I think that we would naturally be just as salty as God would want us to be and our light would be just enough to illuminate what He is trying to say…

as I go through this journey of reconnecting with my Father my hope is that my light become calibrated/in sync with His…that my light is His light and that I use that light to first nurture myself so that I can go and nurture others…

Thursday night at work I was determined to shut off Netflix, and spend the last hour reading the Sermon on the Mount and attempting to pray…

you see, I’ve been lost spiritually for a while…maybe stuck would be the more accurate descriptive…being lost would imply that I have been searching for something I can’t seem to find, or going the wrong way…

I still listen to 99% Christian music when I am in the car…I still have the morals and convictions that I have ago branded onto my heart…and I could still hear Jesus calling to me…in the morning when I would wake up, or right before something impatient or hurtful would fly out my mouth…I could still hear him when I was quick to judge and contemplating the consequences of being spiteful…

maybe the last year has hardened me a bit…never knowing what life changes a doctors appointment could bring, or how debilitating this chemo treatment will be, made it hard to feel safe…a lot of hurt physically and relationally happened…I am still recovering physically, I feel stronger, I have more endurance, and my hair is getting fuller by the day…relationally I am still really guarded, the hurts from this past year will heal as naturally as hair grow…and actually acknowledging those hurts will be the first step…forgiveness will be hard, and understanding will be even harder…but before I can even think about forgiveness, the first relationship that needs mending is the one with my Father…

I am reading a book right now about a man who leaves his pastorate in a large (mega church) to go on a pilgrimage of sorts…he goes to Italy to visit his uncle who is a Franciscan monk, and along the way discovers and rediscovers powerful truths…

“The word pilgrimage comes from the Latin word peregrinus, which means a person wandering the earth in exile, someone in search of a spiritual homeland.” –Kenny (the monk in the book Chasing Francis)

I am in need of pilgrimage…I even have a place in Portugal I can and hope to one day go…But, right now my journey has led me here, my story is being written and I can chose to either be a participant in that story or I can chose to read it later when there is no chance of revision…

I have (without really noticing) taken an extremely passive role in my life…letting it just happen to me…maybe I thought it was the safest…like a rolly polly bug that curls into it it’s shell having no idea it’s destination once the rolling has stopped…

Last night, I decided that my pilgrimage would begin with daily quiet time focusing on one section of the Sermon on the Mount daily…I found the two chapters (five and six) in the book of Matthew almost childlike in their simplicity…there are 18 ‘sections’ in my NIV bible…that is 18 chances to rediscover my first Love…

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Come journey with me the next 18 days as I examine powerful truths…some will be harder to swallow than others…and there will be days when the message is so simple there won’t be much to add…but I think it could be exactly what the doctor has ordered for my life…what about yours?

Until Later…

P.S. I am more anxious about my doctors appointment Monday morning than I care to admit…I’m not sure I will be able to breathe normally until I hear from his lips that the CT scan was clean…