The way I see it having cancer is a lot like life; in that there are stages…
First…I was a baby and was incapable of making choices…I was told to go into the hospital for a week and I went…where I was taken from place to place, woken up in the middle of the night for blood work and vitals…I knew nothing and trusted whatever I was told.
Then I became a child…for the most part I was compliant…I did what was asked…showed up to all appointments, early…I for the most part waited patiently when the doctors were behind…I worked when I didn’t feel like it…and I was nice when someone had to stick me with a needle (I mean it isn’t the nurses fault I’m sick)…
(can’t you just see the teenage attitude on my face?)

Now I am a teenager…and I want to rebel…I know everything…I am at times indignant and angry…I can cry pretty easily…I do not want to go to my appointments…and woe to the one who asks me to wait longer than 15min after my appointment time…I need help with understanding my future and who I am…

I’ve already been a teenager…I’m almost 30…I don’t need to go back…

Exhaustion update: I am still really tired…My muscles feel like they are on fire when I walk much farther than to the bathroom and back…and I am getting short of breath very easily…Maybe my red blood cell count is low again?

Being in the teenage stage that I am I don’t want to go find out if it is low or not…Maybe I am just too tired to imagine going to hospital, being stuck, waiting for results, and then waiting to find out what needs to be done…

I would not take it well if I was told I had to get another blood transfusion (I mean that would take one whole day of my week off, stuck in a hospital room hooked to a machine, bored out of my head!)…and if I was told that they didn’t know why I was so tired I swear I would just cry…I mean it has been 3 weeks since my last chemo treatment (although it feels like a lot longer)…I would have liked to have a little down time feeling good and having energy before the radiation starts…

I get a mapping CT on Wednesday (that is the long CT scan where I have to keep my arms above my head for over 30min pretty much topless)…Last month I was asked to have a CT (it was a shorter one)where I had to put my hands above my head (but I was clothed) and it triggered feelings of when I was first diagnosed…helpless, scared, and overwhelmed…I didn’t like it AT ALL…isn’t it funny that just being asked to be in a position can trigger an emotion/memories…

Sometime soon after this CT…and after the Doctor looks at the CT and PET results…the radiation will begin…I don’t know exactly when…
 
 
I am SO tired this week…I wake up everyday, sore, feeling like I spent the day before helping someone move big furniture…doesn’t bode well for needing to mop the floors at work…I’m so lucky to have co-workers who are supportive…

I’m getting a PET scan this morning…last week their machine was acting up and I would have to wait over two hours so I just rescheduled for this week…I get to go first thing after work which is good because they won’t have had a chance to get behind!

I’m watching the last season of LOST on DVD and am feeling a little bit lost…I’m not sure they can really answer all the questions in the next 3 discs…

I’ve enjoyed listening to Thy Word radio station and the messages from Focus on the Family and David Jeremiah…they may have AWFUL choices in Christian music, but the messages are challenging and REAL and I appreciate that…good to listen to on the way to and from work…

Last night at work I was attacked by one of the clients…I don’t know what made him upset but I was scratched…and then almost pinched and bit twice (once his open mouth came very close to my face, and had a hard grip on my shirt pulling me into him)…he is BIG and SUPER STRONG and it can be scary when he is upset…This job is SO not worth physical abuse…They train you how to handle it for the most part and I do fine…but when the client is blind and almost deaf it can be HARD to communicate…What happened makes me even more motivated to TRY and find another job…IF one is out there…

OH MAN…

did I mention I was tired?

Can anyone tell me why?
Amy said...April, I am sorry you're feeling so tired this week! Your statement about Thy Word is so true. I guess they don't have enough $$$ to get the rights to the good music. But I do love their messages too.

 
 
I got a blood transfusion Saturday morning…

I got off work at 7 a.m. went straight to the hospital for 7 hours and then came home for a while before going back to work…I didn’t get a lot of good sleep today but I only have tonight and tomorrow night before my week off so I know I can do it!

Hopefully this transfusion will boost my energy and help me to get well…I’ve been dirt tired for two weeks and it has been wearing me down emotionally…Friday when I was getting blood work to find out if I needed a Procrit shot or a blood transfusion was my END…You can’t go to the hospital for ANYTHING without it takingHOURS…it can be so frustrating…and draining…

WAITING…

Finally after 2 hrs the nurses told me that the doctor wanted me to get a transfusion…I  just started crying, because of my work schedule I felt paralyzed to make a choice as to WHEN to get the transfusion …I felt so overwhelmed…Luckily the nurses are wonderful and helped me choose today because I could sleep while getting it and if I waited to get the transfusion then I would just be delaying feeling better…

It has been a day and a half and I am starting to feel perkier…I am hopeful this week I will be able to get a good sleep and then actually enjoy life a little…I’ve felt a bit isolated and alone the past few weeks…
Zapolski Family said...Hope you get some much needed rest soon! As far as Windows 7 is concerned...we got a new computer a few months ago with it but I really can't remember what our old version was like 'cause I've gotten so used to this one! Sorry I'm not much help!

Anonymous said...April, just hang in there. God is still on the throne! Many times He says in His word that HE WILL TAKE CARE OF US!! He knows our needs. I pray that He will put His arms of peace around you, my dear. I can't. Just know we love you and pray for you!!!!!

Maria Isabel said...I love that new laptop, its so cute! 
mariaisabel
blog me,baby swap
swap bot

Rachel said...Very cute laptop. Too fun!

I pray that you are feeling better. I'm glad to read that you have some more energy.

Rachel

Ariel Bouvier said...Laptop is way cute! I will keep you in my prayers.

peace & love,
ariel

Ariel17/Swap-Bot/Blog Me, Baby
 
 
I’m a scanner…

when I read, the faster the better…who needs those pesky words like…the, this, that, those, is, a…

if I can scan it I can know it…

The past few weeks I’ve realized that I am just scanning through life…

How quickly can I check my E-mail?

It has been a whole five minutes since the last time I checked it why don’t I have something new?

When is the mail going to get here?

ok the mail is here I’ve ripped it open, what is next?

Who has updated their Facebook page?

Why do I care?

Let me just flip through this magazine and look at the pictures, instead of actually reading the articles.

Ok…I’m bored…now what?

Seven nights of solitary work…

I’m always looking for the next little fix…always wondering why I’m awake when there is nothing happening…no communication, no productivity, no life..and it has become very unsatisfying…very frustrating…

it is easy to give up when you feel like you have voiced what you need and it never seems to come…it is disheartening when you feel like God is not listening to the desires of your heart…

It is also the perfect environment for depression to make a home…slowly that pesky D moves in little by little by little until it is nice and comfy at home in my spirit…

I’m not really sure where I am going with these thoughts…but they are a start…

I need to stop scanning through life and start really experiencing/reading it…but I need help…what are your thoughts?

I’m so tired…physically…and mentally…right now I can’t imagine feeling differently… 

 
 
I am having a rough week…

physically I ACHE…my muscles ache/hurt, and I can’t sleep enough! I had a Doctor’s appointment today and he said one of my numbers were lower and that is why I am feeling so crummy…He gave me the options of getting a blood transfusion or getting a Procrit shot (once a week for 4 weeks)…

The transfusion sounds like such a dramatic step so I am opting for the shots…from what I understand the transfusion would be an instant way of feeling better and the shots are going to be more subtle and take longer to see an improvement…I will get the first shot on Friday while I am there for chemo…

Honestly, I’m super annoyed with the doctor I saw today…it was not my regular oncologist (whom I love) and I feel like this doctor did not explain my options well to me, and I really don’t like it that he gave me a choice…I just want to be told what to do…I tried to get him to tell me what he recommended and he was just so wishy washy…I hate it that the first time my numbers are lower and I’m feeling really bad I don’t get to see my regular doctor (who I know would have been more decisive)…

I was already anxious and to ask me to make that choice in two seconds was overwhelming…

I also found out that radiation does not usually start until 4 or 5 weeks AFTER the last chemo treatment…this is news to me…I was talking to the nurse asking her how long after chemo treatments do I stop feeling SO tired and she said, it could take months to really get back to feeling normal (not that I have any idea what normal feels like anymore)…I also asked her what the effects of 4 weeks of radiation will be…when I had it before it was only for a week so I don’t think I really had any side effects…she said that the main thing people say is that radiation makes you really fatigued

GREAT!

just want I wanted to hear…

I am feeling anxious, crabby, tired (my sleep schedule is COMPLETELY messed up), hurting, achy, lonely, and defeated…
Andrea said...April, you may have heard this before, but I could totally see you writing a book about your life. I would read it.

Robynn's Ravings said...I'm glad you come here and pour out your true feelings so that those who care know how to pray. It's also just good to know this is YOUR forum - and this is what it's here for. Sometimes I begin to think I write for others and I try to remind myself that I began the blog to write. Period. 

I AM sorry that you are having such a rough time and your regular doc wasn't able to be there right now. I'm heading to bed and I'll be praying for better sleep for you as you walk through this long journey. But don't forget to turn around and look behind you at how far you've come and how much has gone by. You've done an amazing job in your travels here. Sometimes when it's hard to look ahead at the road and wonder how you'll get through, it's good just to turn around and look behind you. That's your hard work laying behind you. Those are your successes.

Love you, my young friend,

Robynn

SusanD said...Hey April. The Procrit shots work. They helped me a lot. When my blood counts were low, I automatically felt more tired than usual. The shots helped my body produce more red blood cells counteracting the anemic feeling. Radiation did not make me feel any more tired than I already felt from the effects of the chemo. Hang in there. You're almost done with the treatments. Praying here......for you there. Blessings, SusanD

Robin said...Sending lots of good, healing and energetic energies your way. I hope the shots will help.

Thinking of you and sending hugs!

Robin

chocololicknits said...Just wanted to say, hope you get well soon and best wishes for your treatments. Sounds like an ordeal to go through, and I can't imagine.

Lily Lestrange said...From reading your blog April, you seem like such a strong and determined person. I have faith that you'll get better soon! I can't fathom what life must be like for you right now but I hope you can still enjoy every day as it comes! 

A great quote I love is this: "Everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok then it's not the end". 

Terrible things happen to the best of people, but the best of people never give up without a fight! :) 

Lily ♥

Amy said...April,

I'm sorry you are feeling crummy :( Maybe this will cheer you up! I saw a pretty scrapbook paper with birds on it and thought it was so pretty that I got one for you and me both! I can't wait to give it to you!

Amy

Fabi said...April, I came here because of swap-bot Blog me Baby (my nickname there is BubbLeGumGirLie).

I have to say, that I will send you all my thoughts and a lot of strenght. I hope you will feel better soon.

*virtual.hug*

 
 
Yesterday was the ‘PHENOMENAL’ party…and it was a success…family from both sides came came along with friends from life and church…

Here are some pictures from the afternoon…I did not take as many as I would have liked…I didn’t get any of the jewelry or of just the guests talking…I guess I was too busy having fun…

This is Mary, she is an amazing lady from church and she completely made my day by wearing an old wig she has… doesn’t she look amazing?!
My cousins…Rachael, Chloe, and Tina
My aunt Salome gave me this great frame she made for me…it is the definition of phenomenal…it was just right for the party…she didn’t even know that it was the theme…what fate! I had Lauren read it at the end…it was the perfect end to the presentation…
On the way to work the night before the party I decided to make matchboxes as favors to the guests…

considering I had less than 24 hours to make them I think they came out really well…

I didn’t have time to buy something to put in them so I went through my stash and found just enough bird themed items…then I made little sheets with Matthew 6:26…

Lauren who sells the jewelry had little lime green ribbons (for Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma) to use as tickets for a game…she had enough that we could place one in each of the matchboxes and they fit perfectly...
They were a hit!

As was the jewelry…I earned enough to get 445 dollars in free jewelry (well, I have to pay tax and shipping)…it took me a few hours at work to figure out exactly what I wanted…it was a lot harder than I thought it would be to decide, but in the end…I am getting

1 ring
5 necklaces
5 bracelets and
1 beautiful pin

I can’t wait to show you when they come in! I sure hope I love them…

I tried to get a good assortment of colors and finishes…but it is hard to judge sizes and such from a catalog…and there are way too many things for the person selling them to have one of each…

I am so glad to have been able to celebrate with people who love me and are happy for my success in treatment…

it has been a LONG and HARD year emotionally and physically and there has not been a lot to throw a party about or celebrate…so yesterday was nice…
Rachel said...So glad you were blessed with a phenomenal day like yesterday.

The framed picture brought tears to my eyes. And from everything you write -- so true.

God's blessings to you.

Rachel

August 1, 2010 at 9:15 AM  elena said...Glad you had fun :) Looks like it was an awesome phenomenal party :)!

August 1, 2010 at 9:26 AM  Mimi said...heya hunny, Its Ichigoshortcake ^3^

Cute blog! xx (honeybear1)

www.ichigoshortcake5.blogspot.com

August 1, 2010 at 1:12 PM  LADYHIGHTOWER said...Congratulations for being the absolutely wonderful person that you are! LADYHIGHTOWER Swap-Bot Blog Me, Baby!

August 1, 2010 at 3:34 PM  Lesley said...I love the little matchbox favours!!! Great idea :)

LesleyKnitsPretty on Swapbot

August 1, 2010 at 5:16 PM  Kathy said...How lucky you are to have such wonderful friends and family. My best to you!

Kathy (karuma) swap-bot "Blog Me, Baby" swap

http://dustykate.blogspot.com

August 1, 2010 at 7:20 PM  Robynn's Ravings said...So glad for you and it looks like you had a BLAST, which you deserve!! You look so bright and cheery in your photo! Congrats on the success and all the new loot!! XO

August 2, 2010 at 12:41 AM  Oh Sew Addicted said...Hi! Glad you have a great party! Looks awesome! And I love your list! YAY! I am from Blog me Baby on Swap bot. I am following your blog and posting a link to your blog on my blog! Thanks and have a wonderful day!!!
carla louise
swap bot name: Oh Sew Addicted

August 2, 2010 at 2:54 AM  mireillie said...ah, i really liked those matchboxes. so neatly designed. ^-^ i'm really into matchboxes now, but i never know what to put in them; apart from the usual craft buttons etc of course.

phenomenal party :PP

~mireillie from swapbot

August 2, 2010 at 12:05 PM  Lisa said...A phenomenal party for a phenomenal woman! The pictures you took are superb!

I've thought of something you can add to your list - wear the Liz Claiborne shoes more often. They're so beautiful!

I want a red cardinal!!! I wonder if we have them in France? Probably not!

Best wishes

Filpot from swapbot

August 3, 2010 at 9:19 AM  apple skin said...I love looking at your decorated matchboxes. They are so pretty. And I love how you used them as party favours. A phenomenal party indeed! I featured you on my blog and hope to see more creations from you (:

xx,
mag@swapbot
blog me, baby

August 3, 2010 at 10:53 AM  Robotgranny said...robotgranny was here

SB- blog me , baby swap.

superstickylabels.blogspot.com

August 4, 2010 at 3:16 AM  gitz said...How cute are those matchboxes!!! I'm so glad you had a good night... and had a lovely reason to celebrate :)