This week I am postponing writing about 'boundaries'...I am struggling, and I think I would like to just be honest with you...this journey to freedom from anxiety and depression is one that is never over...
Yesterday, in a Facebook group I am a part of we were challenged...

"“I believe in you.” We all like notes of encouragement – a few words from someone who believes in us can make our day when the journey gets tough. Today, be that someone – but this time, write a note of encouragement TO YOU."

This was surprisingly difficult to write...I just stared at the screen, and when I began to type it was slow, deliberate, and tears were involved...

You guys, I felt like a fraud...trying so hard to work on my 'dream' to help others find freedom from anxiety while I am still dealing with it on a regular basis seems really disingenuous and the last thing I want to do is pretend like once you have learned some coping skills, and decided if you could benefit from medication it is all rainbows and unicorns, because it isn't...and this week I am going to speak more to that...

Here is the letter I wrote to myself...
To: April 
From: April 

Today you are weak...His power is made perfect in your weakness...

When the voices in your head are all talking at the same time and you can't hear anything but the beating of your heart...remember He who calms the storms...

When your present circumstances overwhelm...He who crafts your future has a planner bigger than your dreams...

The covers and dark room that feel so safe in the morning, and hold onto you...they are a trap...their whispers of comfort are lies...let the light shine in!

cancer did not win...did you hear that? It did not WIN! depression didn't win, anxiety didn't win, unemployment will not win, and your student loans aren't going to win...and if cancer does come back it WON'T win...

everyday, that you take one step closer to providing hope, strength, and resources to help others find the freedom He provides, is a slap in the face to the evil one...

Keep taking care of yourself even if that looks different than 'the world's' busyness...you know your limits, honor them...continue to fight...remember your dream to provide others the permission to find freedom from anxiety and embrace self-care...

You are: insightful, intuitive, kind, artistic, detail oriented, intelligent, talented, loved, a great aunt, a loyal friend, quick witted, funny, blessed with the ability to see past the surface to where the truth lies and challenge set ideas...

Continue to love well, continue to seek the Father's heart, He promises to be 'found by you' when you seek with your whole heart, give it to Him...continue to be obedient to go the direction the Holy Spirit leads even when you don't understand...the sum of your past is beautiful, it has been placed together to form a unique and beautiful picture that speaks of God's grace, provision, love, and leading...

read this as needed...
Do I believe everything I wrote? Yes

Do I believe it everyday? No

The last two weeks have been hard...I have been failing at something I previously thought would be fairly easy...The change in seasons, resulting in the sun being gone a lot and night coming at around 6:30pm, has affected me more than usual...I have two and a half months left on unemployment and the opportunities feel non-existent... financial stress has recently began as a result of being unemployed for almost four months...and there is a relationship in my life that is complicated and I am grieving as I figure out what the 'normal' will be...

I have been tired, anxious, easily frustrated, impatient, and the one that is the hardest to explain to others is being sensitive to my surroundings...sounds are louder than normal and hurt my ears, order is important and things need to be in their place or I become incredibly anxious...this results in my looking/being difficult when what I really need is someone to say, "I understand that doing things this way is going to make you feel less stressed and I love you enough to do that right now...or "I know you get hypersensitive to sounds and surroundings when you are stressed, how can I make it better?" 

I encourage you to write a letter to yourself...you don't have to share it with anyone but I would love to know how it felt to write it...were you surprised by your reaction? I hope you don't mind my taking this detour...

Carelessly,

April
 


10/22/2013 4:01pm

my sweet friend, it will not always be like this. however, if you don't take care of yourself in this time of fragility, you will delay your healing. He understands and i understand. your friends here understand and we will hold your hands up while the battle rages.

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10/23/2013 2:53pm

thanks Lisa...I fear that people will just file me away instead of lifting me up...but I gotta let go of that too...so glad to have you in my life...

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10/22/2013 5:23pm

April, it's true, it's not unicorns and rainbows forever on this journey. I thought I was losing my mind this last week. THings have been so much harder. I had to admit this morning that i have been struggling with depression more than I wish I was. Thank you for sharing your journey, your detour, I hope that you are able to take some time for yourself, time to take your own advice. xx

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10/23/2013 2:44pm

Thanks so much for taking the time to encourage me...let's keep uplifting each other! Your tenacity for your daughter inspires me...

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