First off can I just say that tonight at work was MUCH better than last night…only two more hours until I am off…until 11 a.m., that is, when I have to come back for a training (which I hope won’t last too long)…
My oncologist appointment is at 9:30, if you have read my blog for long you know that I like to prepare for the worst so I can be happy with the best…and I can’t get it out of my head that the cancer is back, I weighed myself yesterday and I have lost over a pound in the last couple of weeks…I know that is nothing but I have been eating like a pig all week, I have indulged my every craving (for chocolate, fast food, soda) because I was on my period and cranky…weight loss is a symptom so my brain automatically went to the lymphoma being back…mom said that maybe I am still not eating as much as I used to even though I feel like I pigged out this week…and maybe she is right…but I can not tell you how many times I have googled the symptoms of Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma…
I just need this appointment to be over with…I need to hear straight from the doctors mouth whatever the results are so I can move on…I had no idea I would be so anxious about it…next time we are NOT waiting so long between the CT scan and the follow-up appointment…
On to the next section of the Sermon on the Mount…I can’t think of this passage without the Audio Adrenaline song ‘Don’t Censor Me’ popping into my head…(oh, so sad I can’t find a clip on YouTube…anyway, it is a great song)…
“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.
You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.” -Matthew 5:13-16
Sometimes I think I am too salty…Whether it is in my head or slips out of my mouth my personality can be a bit strong…I have definite beliefs and a simple way of looking at things…
I am sure that is not what this passage is talking about it is just the first thoughts I had…
Second I think being a light of the world is tough AND a lot to ask of us…you have to be careful you aren’t on too bright or that you aren’t too dim…you have to be a light that draws people into what you are trying to illuminate…I know that this is something I struggle with…I am in a never ending battle of trying to be nice to stupid customer service people…it is just so hard for me to tolerate incompetence and I come off as a jerk…that is something that Jesus and I have been diligently working on and I am getting much better…
I am sure that my witness has been ruined a lot by my impatience/frustration, or poor judgment…I guess that takes us back to the beatitudes…if we have those down I think that we would naturally be just as salty as God would want us to be and our light would be just enough to illuminate what He is trying to say…
as I go through this journey of reconnecting with my Father my hope is that my light become calibrated/in sync with His…that my light is His light and that I use that light to first nurture myself so that I can go and nurture others…
My oncologist appointment is at 9:30, if you have read my blog for long you know that I like to prepare for the worst so I can be happy with the best…and I can’t get it out of my head that the cancer is back, I weighed myself yesterday and I have lost over a pound in the last couple of weeks…I know that is nothing but I have been eating like a pig all week, I have indulged my every craving (for chocolate, fast food, soda) because I was on my period and cranky…weight loss is a symptom so my brain automatically went to the lymphoma being back…mom said that maybe I am still not eating as much as I used to even though I feel like I pigged out this week…and maybe she is right…but I can not tell you how many times I have googled the symptoms of Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma…
I just need this appointment to be over with…I need to hear straight from the doctors mouth whatever the results are so I can move on…I had no idea I would be so anxious about it…next time we are NOT waiting so long between the CT scan and the follow-up appointment…
On to the next section of the Sermon on the Mount…I can’t think of this passage without the Audio Adrenaline song ‘Don’t Censor Me’ popping into my head…(oh, so sad I can’t find a clip on YouTube…anyway, it is a great song)…
“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.
You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.” -Matthew 5:13-16
Sometimes I think I am too salty…Whether it is in my head or slips out of my mouth my personality can be a bit strong…I have definite beliefs and a simple way of looking at things…
I am sure that is not what this passage is talking about it is just the first thoughts I had…
Second I think being a light of the world is tough AND a lot to ask of us…you have to be careful you aren’t on too bright or that you aren’t too dim…you have to be a light that draws people into what you are trying to illuminate…I know that this is something I struggle with…I am in a never ending battle of trying to be nice to stupid customer service people…it is just so hard for me to tolerate incompetence and I come off as a jerk…that is something that Jesus and I have been diligently working on and I am getting much better…
I am sure that my witness has been ruined a lot by my impatience/frustration, or poor judgment…I guess that takes us back to the beatitudes…if we have those down I think that we would naturally be just as salty as God would want us to be and our light would be just enough to illuminate what He is trying to say…
as I go through this journey of reconnecting with my Father my hope is that my light become calibrated/in sync with His…that my light is His light and that I use that light to first nurture myself so that I can go and nurture others…
Mama4Real said...Praying that your appointment goes well, and you get the news you want to hear!!!!
JoyAnne said...April, I think you would get a lot out of The Walk to Emmaus. It is a weekend retreat and oh my goodness, the love of God shines through. Do an internet search on it. Its sponsored by the Methodist church.
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